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That wasn’t the point.

So here’s where I went wrong – I got lost in the concept of just freely expressing myself.

I took where I started with “Dear Diary…” from May 2015 and I did exactly what I said I had an issue with as far as buying and up keeping an actual physical journal.

I got into it, I felt my feelings – I was over joyed with the response and with knowing how easily some could relate.
But feelings kind of turned into set topics… planned pieces of writing.
Then the “pretty journal” aspect kicked in except instead of standing in front a collection of pretty journals in a store I started knit picking ideas.
I needed beautiful images and clean/easy website themes – how about videos and social media… extra features.

I got lost.

I went from just wanting a place to rant. Creating a place where people can relate and confide to striving to create something far fetched and unnecessary.
I didn’t want to share my pieces until my site looked the part and all I did is drain my creativity.

I abandoned those who looked forward to my writing and I took away their voice. Never had I imagined receiving messages from people telling me their phone had a bookmark on their home screen to direct them to my site… or girls quoting me under their pictures… inbox messages of people just thanking me for “understanding” when it reality all I had done thus far is openly share my world with thousands of unknown faces.

Well needless to say, I realized my mistake – I found where I got caught up and lost. I brought myself back to basics. I stripped back down to bare minimal. Just me, my words and an anonymous audience.
I made all my pieces public with the site finished/impressive or not.

My happy place.
My creative home.

Our shared thoughts…
Our shared place.

Back to you.
Back to my diary.

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Because a text isn’t enough…

Dear “Valentine“,

Different people awaken different beasts in you” or so they say. But with you it was far more. Naturally you’ve brought out the beauty and the beast.
I found my confidence through you, the confidence that’s been destroyed by others. You helped me regain a trust I thought was diminished.
Rarely do I connect with anyone on the level I have with you and it scares me to think I’ve lost that…
You’ve reached parts of me others have yet to discover.

They say timing is everything and I guess that it’s true because I met you at a time where love was just a figment of my imagination. Romance, absolutely questionable. Compliments, far and few in between.
You’ve shown me how I should be treated. You’ve shown me what it’s like to be heard, what it’s like to relate to someone so much it’s almost as if you’re two of a kind. But, you did so after confusion, lust and distrust. Everything before you made it hard to believe that you were actually all that you are.

You wanted love, attention and affection. Which by all means was due. I was ready for friendship, rebuilding, growth and along the way plans. Those worlds they clash, they crash and they burn.
It wasn’t my lack of trust for you, it was the lack of trust I had in myself to not damage you. It wasn’t what you lacked or what I didn’t see in you. It was the world I saw in you that I wasn’t ready for.

Dinner dates, work out sessions, nights out with friends, conversations on the phone… late night texts, long walks, miscellaneous gifts. The world every girl dreams to live in with a man she can call her best friend.
I fought the feelings that came with those moments not because they weren’t special but because I was still rebuilding myself… because my heart was still learning to trust my instincts and not my fears.
You can’t expect someone to wait around as you piece yourself together but I guess subconsciously I wanted that, I wanted the “prince charming“/”night in shining armor” finale.

None of my dreams were too big for you and now I’m facing them head on, on my own. None of my problems were just my problems, if you could you would of saved me from it all.
It’s ironic how the person that gives you butterflies is also the person to make you most calm. It’s strange that when I can block out everyone in a crowded room I still feel your presence. It scares me that I don’t want to be with anyone but you make me not want to be with out you.
You’ve brought me to a place mentally and emotionally that I haven’t reached with anyone in a very long time and I thank you for bringing me back.

I imagine and wish only the best for you. I see things for your future that go beyond measure. You deserve a love and recognition I can’t even begin to put into words.. I can’t say I want you to have it all with out me. I wouldn’t be honest saying you deserve a girl to make you happy because that would be a lie, well not in full. I do truly believe you deserve people in your life that will fulfill every part of you. But, I don’t think I’d accept another woman loving you – spending time with you, knowing you like I know you.. it doesn’t sound right, it doesn’t sit well with me. Not yet at least.

This letter can go on forever because my thoughts have been endless. A text message wouldn’t do my feelings justice and a phone call would only hold me back.
My words are most pure in this form, through my writing I’m able to say things that would never roll off my tongue.

I appreciate all that you are and all that you’ve helped bring back to my life. I thank you for dimming my fears and encouraging my passion.

Seeing as though my words are coming to you a little too late I guess it’s only right that I’m writing you this the day after Valentine’s Day…
To my almost lover, my used to be friend.

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