Common misconception, “I don’t want a relationship right now.”
Do you mean exactly that? (Probably not…)
I’ve wanted someone I can JUST hang out with, enjoy each other’s company, and lay back (occasional sex… well let’s be honest – human nature). But, not a relationship; not the full on commitment. Absolute
B.S. because those things combined are a relationship, they form a common bond. I guess it’s not the relationship I’m avoiding, it’s the drama.
Which won’t be a factor with the right person (and that’s not to say there will be NO problems, just referring to outside interference(s)/accusations/gossip and waste of energy kind of drama, that kind of thing won’t come with the right person).
Drama doesn’t appear soon as a “relationship agreement” has been made – drama comes with certain types of people.
The friendship behavior that’s created between the person you’re casually seeing or dating and yourself doesn’t suddenly go away because you decide to commit to each other. Committing to a person doesn’t take away the entertainment or dim the friendship you’ve built; avoiding settling down takes that away. You avoid relationships to avoid conflict but end up with “relationship issues” anyways, why not just commit? Bonds with mutual attraction but no commitment have an expiration date. He/she can remove themselves from your life silently and gracefully at any given time. The sex, the conversations, the “just the two of us” kickin’ it scenarios – out the window, because with no commitment, no one owes you anything!
When they do up and leave, when they move on to the next you can’t nag or complain. They didn’t cross any lines or disrespect you because you didn’t set any boundaries; you never gave them a line to NOT cross. Someone who wasn’t required to earn your time can’t be accused of having wasted it.
Staying in the friend zone is keeping you in a “safety” zone you’ve created for yourself. You see a person’s worth, admire their potential but who’s to say what’s in store. They can up and leave, lie, cheat – they can prove to you like any and every one else in the past that trusting someone on a deeper level is pointless. While you enjoy your freedom and explore your options, you’re stringing someone and their feelings along (which is total and complete bull
shit.) You learn each other and have sex but still allow space and time for options to come along. Free stuff in life is great, but you don’t have to earn it – you don’t have to work for it, which means anyone better that comes along, anyone willing to put in the work will have more than the free sample. They’ll gain the entire package. Don’t be the person that’s single but “basically has a girlfriend/boyfriend”.
If you aren’t ready for anyone, if you don’t trust someone’s character or them in general; leave it alone. Don’t get each other wrapped up and ready for disaster. (That’s just
fucking selfish.) Having sex with them just so they don’t go have sex with someone else isn’t going to always work. Without commitment and effort you’ll find yourself with drama and heartbreak. The same drama you wanted to “avoid” by being “single”.
Not often do you come across someone with mutual feelings, so when you do be okay with letting go of the fear and nonsense in your brain. Expectations at this point should be gone, no more games, don’t wait hours/days between texts because falling in love with a friend… your best friend is real and it is raw; it’ll take you on one
hell of a ride.
Once you’ve found a good person, someone pure – stop searching! Tell them what hurts you most, share your problems; confide in them like you would your family or closest friend. If they belong by your side they won’t be after anyone molded to perfection. You’re imperfection will be what they fall for. Do not by any means suppress your true self around the person you’re attracted to. You need to be accepted for who you are (your worst, best and everything in between). They won’t need you to be flawless or rich (hell, not in my case at least). As long as you realize you are unique and express yourself openly, a low budget is irrelevant – don’t wait for your bank account to be proper to decide to commit. (Popularity and money all comes and goes… be with someone who is there from the start because they’ll be there in the end even if the material things are no longer brought to the table.)
No one is going to rush you into anything if they really want to be with you but communication is crucial and should be expected. Intentions should always be stated. Even if you don’t match on feelings, honesty is always requested and respected. Sometimes some of that drama you are “avoiding” doesn’t stem from you not wanting a relationship, it usually stems from you acting like you’re serious about someone’s feelings but not being totally upfront about what’s really going on.
Keeping someone uncertain on where you stand shouldn’t last months or years. You know if you want to date someone by how well you vibe or how easily you can open up and just laugh about nonsense – from the feeling you get when they touch you or when they kiss you. It doesn’t take a lifetime to figure it out.
When you’re with someone they become your breath of fresh air, your break from whatever else is going on. You aren’t ever going to know someone until you are actually in a relationship with them. No matter how much love there is between the both of you, no matter how tight the bond between you has been. Conversing and dating doesn’t compare to actual commitment, throw that in the mix and see if you can still kick it and keep a positive vibe.