My dark paradise.

Alcohol runs like blood through their veins. Suicide a constant threat for misbehavior.
Xanax and alcohol mending the torn pieces of a sad soul. The coldness of winter and the beautiful memories within a picture of a paradise that once saved a life bring me to memories that I want to keep buried in my mind.

It’s strange how pictures of bright blue skies can bring you back to the darkest of moments. How the spirit of Christmas can bring fear to your heart.
As the seasons change and the cold creeps in I’m reminded of my own transitions, my own change of seasons.

It’s hard to put into words the things life puts us through. Sometimes we hear someone’s story and feel warmth in our hearts because we understand where their pain stems from. Sometimes we want to tell them we understand, not in a “yeah I understand what you mean,” (shrugs) kind of way but in a deep – “I’ve cried those tears too kind of way.”
Some moments I feel like if I talked about or wrote about them, it would help others not feel so alone or hopeless. But, it’s so hard – some of the past is just as hard to write about, as it is to verbalize. The way some of my truth makes me tongue tied or gives me writers block just shows me that a lot of me still hurts. Wounds are still there. They have yet to heal.

I don’t feel that I necessarily dwell. I don’t sit around thinking about what once was and cry.
No part of me just sits around and tries to process what I could of done better or differently. I don’t punish myself for not being a good enough daughter or for handling the things I have as I did. But a part of me is still damaged and I know that. I can feel that practically every day.

I’ve moved forward and I’ve accomplished so much.
I’ve found things within myself that I adore. I have more outlets than ever before for myself.
I’ve found passion in things I do to keep myself moving forward and wanting more from myself.
There is a love inside that once was nonexistent.
There is a confidence and self-love within me I couldn’t begin to put into words.

I have dreams of creating love and a family, of writing endlessly, of taking on competition at a national level – I want to travel the world. I want to teach, learn and help other people heal. I want to forever grow from the things I’ve experienced.
There are plenty of people I know that live off of an image of someone they know. Idols/role models they have a set image in their mind they compare themselves to.
I’ve found things I don’t want to experience again and people I don’t want to become and I’ve stemmed off of that.

Life has a strange way of placing you where you need to be at all the right…or wrong times.

I remember a lot of holidays that could of easily destroyed holidays for me forever. I know moments in my life that could of filled me with hate. I could of been ruined by alcohol and medications at any point.
But somewhere life turned around, somehow I ended up in this beautiful place – sitting alone, my butt in the sand staring at a purple and pink sky.
In that moment somehow everything changed. Universes collided, angels came down, epiphany. Whatever you want to blame or point fingers towards – it was my moment, a few tears and a sudden smile.

That moment in that place saved my life.

The damage has been done and maybe the wounds have yet to become actual scars – but I’ve come a long way with out turning back. I’ve found this fearless spirit full of love with in myself that has stayed with me.
One day maybe I’ll be able to sit and talk about everything I’ve gone through and save someone’s life.
But right now it feels SO good.
There is relief in knowing I can acknowledge there once was a dark past… I can admit to the hurt and mistakes. I can say that paradise saved my life, 2 years ago everything changed.
Whoever came sweeping in…Whatever it was that occurred.

It saved me.
Forever grateful to that place I once sat alone.

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